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What is longing to spring forth?!?

And suddenly you know:  It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.  Meister Eckhart

You are pulsing with divine life longing to spring forth  (from my calendar)

We begin again to dream, weave the work of our hands and hearts, to revision the world, and refresh ourselves, for we are the green shoots of renewal.  Sherri Rose-Walker

It was a Saturday night in March, a perfect time to try out our new subscription to Netflix.  We, my husband and I,  settled in with snacks and pillows and the trusty controllers, ready to dive into this wide world of exciting new possibilities.  But before we even pressed the Netflix button on that small black Roku stick, we got sidetracked.  Perhaps it was the song that drew us in, transfixed us into dropping the Roku all together and caving in to traditional TV and a PBS fundraising special.  Petulia Clark was our host and it was the British pop invasion of the sixties and seventies that was the focus — and the song; it was the Moody Blues, Nights in White Satin.  Of course, we’d be drawn in.  It was a slow-dance special, our slow-dance special at the University of Maine Friday night keg parties, and, on Saturdays, a highlight dance at the Bounty Bar in Bangor.  We hugged long and close and hot as we sort of swayed our way across the dance floor, seventies-style, to this song, and, here it was, forty-something years later wooing us in again on a Saturday night.

Except something was different.  The concert audience that was taking in the music wasn’t a crowd of college freshmen from back in the seventies, girls in halter tops and granny glasses and guys in plaid bell-bottom pants, all guzzling beer out of plastic cups because we could in those days, legally, when the drinking age was eighteen.  There were no halter tops, no plaid bell-bottoms, no adolescent fever-pitch swaying.  Instead an amiable group of gray-haired sixty and seventy year olds was smiling appreciatively, some of them singing along, all sitting comfortably in their audience seats.  No.  This was present day and the crowd — well, the crowd was old.  And so were the Moody Blues.  And that felt okay to me.  The magic of the song seemed to transcend time, still moved both Cam and I.  It was a little later, however, that I started to feel uncomfortable.  I think it was when Herman’s Hermits took the stage.  Okay, there might have been a time when I was in love with Herman, before college and Cam, before high school and Cat Stevens, before Junior High and James Taylor.  I’m talking way back, way back to Newell Elementary and fifth grade and the year I tore all the photos of guys I deemed cute from the pages of Tigerbeat Magazine and taped them on my bedroom wall, way back when I was sure I was going to marry Davy Jones from the Monkees.

I didn’t want to say it out loud, didn’t want to feel it, wanted instead to enjoy myself along with the concert audience when Peter Noone, who I used to know as Herman, turned on that exaggerated British accent and began belting out, “Mrs. Brown you have a lovely daughter . . .”   And I admit that he looked good, still had a youthful vigor and he seemed to be enjoying himself wholeheartedly as he bounced around the stage.  And maybe it was rude of me to interrupt his buoyant bouncing effort, to blurt out in the middle of Mrs. Brown and her lovely daughter, “Cam, this is ridiculous!”  But I just couldn’t help myself.  It did feel ridiculous to me on this particular Saturday night.  It was one thing to take the memory train back to a slow dance at the Bounty Bar with Cam and the Moody Blues.  It was another thing to find myself ten again in my house on Washington Street in Bath, Maine taping photos of teeny-bopper heartthrobs on my wall.  After all, it was March, and, on this particular day, the sun had been shining and the snow had melted into puddles on the road, and I was feeling squirmy inside, ready for something new and forward-focused, something spring-like and bubbling to present itself to me.  That’s when I thought about Bruce Springsteen.

Cam’s sister was the first to introduce us to Bruce Springsteen, the year after the Bounty Bar Moody Blues’ slow dances.  She discovered Bruce before he was a face to tape on the wall and Cam and I were hooked from the get-go, and have been fans ever since.  His lyrics are poetry and he pours body and soul into his performances and he is forever exploring his edge of the moment.  We turned the TV off, googled him and spent the rest of the evening reading about his one-man show on Broadway.  That’s what he’s up to these days, doing something new with the material of his life — sitting in a chair on a stage storytelling his New Jersey tales and mingling this with fifteen or so songs.  Oprah said the show was transformational.  Obama loved it.  Reese Witherspoon exclaimed that she melted into a puddle of humanity within the first fifteen minutes.  And on that March night, it was the freshness of Bruce’s new edge that energized me, that lit something inside, that got me wondering.  What’s my new edge?  What’s taking root beneath the surface that’s ready to sprout?

The puddles on the road froze back up, the snow that had been turning watery and corn-crystal-like in March became covered again with fresh layer after fresh layer of powdery wintery white.  And a month after that March evening of spring-like squirminess, I was still skate-skiing with my winter coat zipped up high on trails groomed as if we had pushed the reverse button and were back in January.  Whatever had been quivering beneath the surface sunk back into hibernation.  Until now, that is, when the sun is blazing brilliant even on the cool jacket-zip-up days and the below-freezing nights, and the snow is gently melting and the grass, green blades of grass are poking through.  I’m asking the question again, “What’s my new edge?”  I’m not sure.  I know the new is brewing.  I feel it.  A friend of mine read a poem to me the other day, written from the perspective of age looking back on youth, a poem about remembering the feeling of being twenty, the feeling of knowing everything and feeling it keenly with slow-dancing Moody Blues passion.  My friend and I both agreed that we want to feel that thrill again. And I believe we can, not by trying to resurrect the past, not by taping the old faces back on the wall, but by being present to what wants to be taped up on our metaphoric wall now, today, in this moment.  And if we relax and allow it, if we don’t resist and hold it under, the new, sure as spring follows winter, will poke its head out of the thawing ground and we will be face to face with something wonderful, something amazing, a new thrill to carry us forward.  Happy spring everyone.

Tell Me A Story!

One of the things I love about story is that it always sends us back home.  Terry Tempest Williams

I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories from your life — not someone else’s life — water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.  That is the work.  The only work.  Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I bribe my grandkids with stories.  It’s not candy or cupcakes that gets them into their carseats; it’s the stories I tell.  It’s an understandable battle a toddler wages, the postponing of the restraint of a free-ranging body into a tightly-bound buckled-up space.  I get it!  And so I, the visiting grandma, try to breathe as deeply as possible and call upon all the patience I can muster when toddler grandkid stands up backward in the seat and refuses to budge.  That’s when I say it, “I’ll tell you a story!”  And then I add, “when you sit down.”  Toddler grandkid hesitates, still wanting the control of being in charge.  But then I add, “Well . . .” stretching out each letter with emphasis and a great puff of breath.  That’s how I begin my stories.  “Well. . .”  And that does it; toddler grandkid, with a pirouette and a plop, is down and ready to be snapped in place.  And that’s when it gets fun.  I don’t know what story will rise up to the surface, what one will be a perfect match for that moment.  But I do know enough to trust the process, that we contain an infinite number of stories in our inner well, and, if we’re in tune, we draw up the one that suits the situation just fine.  My grandkid stories run the gamut, from childhood memories growing up on the shores and in the waters of coastal Maine, to Grandpa and Grandma adventure stories, to stories of tarantulas and rattlesnakes and scorpions.  Toddler grandkid and I are both entertained by these stories, and, I don’t mind the inevitable, “Again!  Again!  Again!”

So, there are stories that bring us entertainment and there are stories that bring us healing, stories that inspire, stories that delight, stories that provide us with courage and insight and a blueprint forward.  And if we are paying attention, if our will is aligned with the source of the well within, we can trust the story that is ready to be told.  And, as I was contemplating the power of story-telling, lo and behold, a story rose to the surface, one I hadn’t thought about in years, one eager to be told in this moment.  So here goes.  “Well. . . ”

* * *

My husband Cam and I left home in a raging snowstorm, a decade ago, two days before the new year, suitcases carefully packed, mine with scarves and flip flops and walking shoes, a favorite skirt, yoga leggings, a sweater, all the things I would need for a week in Morocco.  Our flight from the north of Michigan was delayed, making it almost certain that we would miss the connecting flight to Paris, so the local agent re-booked us on a later plane to Amsterdam, and then on to Morocco from there.   We arrived in Casa Blanca the next morning, to an airport bustling with people from all over Africa, some leaving, some arriving, to a helter skelter of humanity and piles of suitcases and trunks and giant canvas bags.  But alas, our suitcases were nowhere to be found in this helter skelter of confusion.  So, we made a detailed report of the missing luggage and were assured that our bags would arrive on a later flight.  And off we went, by taxi, south over miles of two-lane roads to the fishing village of Essaoira where we would be staying for the next six days.

Our home was an eco-boutique-hotel in the heart of the old walled medina of the city, and, there, we befriended an American, who had lived in Morocco for years.  She told us that Morocco takes you in both directions, frustrates you, maybe even makes you angry, then something in the culture brings you back, humbles you, opens your heart, touches your soul.  It was like that for us.  We loved our time in Essaoira.  It was a treasure chest of exotic, the market-souks lined with stalls of orange and curry-colored, red and yellow spices and stacks of baskets and shoes with pointy toes and scarves and hand-knit caps and piles and piles of glorious rugs, ancient streets winding this way and that and filled with everything imaginable.  And there was the harbor outside of the walls, with fishing boats moored to the docks unloading the day’s catch and the grills set up along the shore cooking every sort of seafood imaginable, and the sleepy-eyed camels with loose bottom lips, and the ramparts holding the force of the whole wild Atlantic at bay, and there was the sea gulls’ cry mingling with the call to prayer.  Yes, it was a treasure box of the exotic, a treasure box within a treasure box within a treasure box.  And sometimes we found this frustrating, the way it was easy to lose yourself in the maze of medieval alleyways, the discomfort with bartering, the language and cultural differences that made connection challenging, and a feeling that we couldn’t quite unwrap it all, the mystery of Morocco.

And then there was the luggage, which was indeed a mystery.  It didn’t arrive as assured on a later flight, nor did it arrive the next day, on New Year’s Eve.  Or, the day after, which was a holiday.  You have to understand — this was ten years ago, and our nest had recently emptied, and, in my early fifties, I had rediscovered an adolescent love for clothes, cute clothes, hip clothes.  It’s not like I had an extensive wardrobe, but I loved every single thing I owned, everything single thing I had packed.  Since then, I have traveled lightly, hiked trails for days in Europe with the few things I can squeeze into a hefty daypack.  But then, that week in Morocco, I was attached.  Every day, I pulled on the same brown yoga pants, the same turquoise top, draped the one scarf around my neck and tried to let go — and tried to believe the front desk people in our eco-lodge that our suitcases would surely arrive on the second day of January.  And they were partially correct.  With a smile and a look of wanting to please these American visitors, one of the men who had been helping us, rushed to our table at breakfast.  He was holding a suitcase, one suitcase, Cam’s.  Cam, who didn’t give a rip about his wardrobe, Cam who wasn’t attached to every single item in his closet, Cam, who told me later, he had been praying that if only one suitcase was to be found, please god, have it be Helen’s, he was the one who was handed a bag full of his things.  And I was furious and the front desk people were upset and so wanted me to be happy and kept assuring me that my suitcase would indeed arrive.  So that’s what it was like the week we were in Essaoira, a balancing act between diving full out into the wonder of it all, while trying to let go of the suitcase debacle and my obsession with clothes, while also trying to get to the bottom of the mystery of the missing bag.

On Day Five, I bought two scarves, a Moroccon tunic, a pair of earrings.  The wind had picked up the night before and a squall was blowing in off the Atlantic and I wore my new tunic, the earrings, a scarf to the ramparts where Cam and I stood with the local townspeople and the fisherman watching the mighty waves pound against the wall and fly high into the air.  We could taste the salt and the sea and I nearly forgot about my lack of luggage — until later in the day, that is, when we were given a tip.  There was a local office of the Casa Blanca Airport, one of the men who had been helping us at our boutique hotel said.  It’s a mystery why it took five days to give us this information, but we grabbed on to it and found our way through the maze of alleys and streets to a small airport office where a man who spoke perfect English gave us advice.  “Leave early for the airport,” he told us.  “Get back to Casa Blanca and look for the bag yourself.”

And that’s what we did.  The next afternoon, we said our good-byes at the boutique hotel, and to the medina and the fishing boats and the sleepy-eyed camels and we rode by taxi back over the two-lane roads, arriving at Casa Blanca as the January sun was setting over the horizon.  And this is the part of the story that I had wanted to tell you, the part that had popped into my head a few days ago — the airport part of the story.  We had single focus when we entered the terminal.  I stopped to talk to the agent at the desk, and Cam bee-lined to a corner of the room where suitcases were piled a mile-high.  I wasn’t even finished explaining the situation to the woman behind the counter when Cam came running toward us, exclaiming in his loudest of voices, “I found it!  I found it”  It had been lying there in that pile just waiting for us to claim it.  And this was wonderful enough, my suitcase and clothes back in my possession, but this wasn’t the highlight; this isn’t what I want to tell you.

We were so focused on our mission that we hadn’t paid attention to what was happening — the two giant planes landing on the runway, the people beginning to flock.  It wasn’t until we were walking back through the terminal that we noticed the white-frocked men and women, many with gray hair, some clutching canes, streaming in by the hundreds from those two planes.  Eyes were gleaming, flowers were handed out, pictures were taken.  We guessed it, as I asked one of the bearded white-frocked men, “Mecca?”  And he nodded happily and we smiled happily and the joy in the airport was palpable.  It is a quest, a spiritual mandate, a lifetime dream to get to Mecca and these people had touched it, experienced it, and we all were feeling its power.  And then Cam and I were at the doorway when we looked out and gasped.  Hundreds and thousands of people, holding signs and flowers and neatly wrapped presents, were standing there in the airport parking lot, crammed next to each other, as though waiting for the a rock band to arrive.  We stepped out into the nighttime air and hesitated.  What were we to do, two infidels dragging a suitcase needing to get to the far end of the lot?  At that moment, two men near the front, began to shout in loud voices sounding as though it might be a fight breaking out.

But it wasn’t.  Instead, the crowd began to part, the hundreds and thousands of them.  And there were smiles on their faces as a multitude motioned us forward, motioned us through the sea of relatives and friends waiting to reunite with their pilgrims.  And the sea carried us; that’s what I want to tell you.  I have never felt anything like it, this sea of pulsating love, and a kindness to allow two outsiders to not just witness, but to enter this sea.  We smiled, our smiles joining the sea of smiles.  And I knew, just knew then, as I swam my way through that sea, that this, this was the reason, that I had gone seven days without make-up or a change of clothes, seven days teaching myself to call my mind back from an obsession again and again.  I said it out loud, my voice joining the voices in the crowd.  I said it to Cam, said it to myself, said it to a sea of people.  “This is why I came to Morocco!”

 

*  *  *

And that’s my story!

That’s what I say to toddler grandkid as I finish up.  Sometimes I acquiesce when toddler grandkid then jumps in with the inevitable, “again.”  And sometimes it is a new story that bubbles up.  Today, I’m going to sit with this one, going to remember how powerful it was to enter into the treasure of love at the heart of the mystery of Morocco, to touch and be touched by such a sea of excitement and love and kindness, to remember how good it felt to know with certainty that my luggage being lost for a week was a good thing, that I wouldn’t have missed those airport and parking lot moments for all the clothes in the world.

 

 

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Handmade Book by Amber Edmundson

 

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Essaoira, Morocco, January 2008:  Photographs from our journal by Cam Remien & Helen Haskell Remien

 

The Lucky Ones

In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give and it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It is early morning in Idaho, not quite light out.  And there’s a fresh layer of snow on the ground after last evening’s squall.  It is unbelievable — having four little grandkids, all in one place.  It is high tide and low tide, with the joy of a full cove of ocean to swim in and a low tide beach to scrounge for treasure.  Helen Haskell Remien, e-mail written to friends in early March

As I sat on the bench, slipping my feet into my beloved ski boots, the door to the Forestville cross-country lodge flung open, and in popped a guy, flush-faced and smiling, an acquaintance I know from town and trail.  It was apparent that he was at the end of what I was about to begin, an afternoon adventure in late February, skate-skiing up and down and across the freshly-groomed and ridged miles and miles of tree-lined trails.  It was sunny, crisp and clear, and his words were crisp and clear and sunny as well.  “We are the lucky ones!” he cried out.  “We are the lucky ones!”  And as he sprawled on the floor, stretching his middle-aged body after his long ski, we chatted for a while, about the multitude of outdoor winter-play opportunities available for those who live in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and the beauty of this part of the world and this sunny day that we both were claiming as our own.  He finished the conversation as he had started. “We are the lucky ones!” he once again exclaimed.

His words were a song, flowed from his lips with a confidence, a joy, an appreciation that was palpable.  I couldn’t shake them off.  They stayed with me, clung to me as if with velcro as I thrust myself up that first grand hill.  We are the lucky ones.  We are the lucky ones.  My heart beat out the rhythm — lucky, lucky, lucky — as I pushed and I glided myself into the hardwood and hemlock and pine forest.  They settled deep inside as I skied my way through that sunny afternoon, these words which had been sung from the lips of a friend, words that seemed to fly in the face of a belief I hold dear, that it is not luck that brought me to this trail on this particular day; that it was an inner calling, a desire to breathe the wintery air and the unspeakable beauty of a forest still blanketed in snow.  It is a vibration we set forth that draws to us what we label as luck.  This is what I believe.  And yet, and yet, these words, we are the lucky ones, I am the lucky one, have sunk into my heart and have remained there, sweet and good and true.  They have been my companion, and I have said them often during these past few weeks as February has spilled into March.

Under my breath, with breath, I said them, these words, as I flew out west over the northern plains a few days after that sunny afternoon ski, as I looked down at the snow-capped Rockies in Montana, as I landed smoothly, safely, joyfully in the land of kids and grandkids.  I am the lucky one.  I am the lucky one.  What are the chances?!?  Two sons, two daughter-in-laws, four grandkids — a kindergartener, a toddler, two babies (two babies at once!) — all of them there in one sweet town in northern Idaho, a town of wide-open and rolling prairie on the edge of the ridges and foothill forests.  And for nine days, in early morning sunlight, I walked among the trees and on the winding country roads and I was the lucky one.  I pet horses on their noses and learned about horses, and, later in the day, played school with a toddler, a baby, a black cat, and a kindergartener who was our teacher and I learned about planets from a five-and-a-half-year old and asteroid belts and stars and my world was expanded and I said it, out loud and to myself, I am the lucky one.  I cuddled with grandkids and my skin sopped it in, the luck, the love, the immense pleasure of living a mindful in-the-moment existence here on earth with a whole universe of possibilities surrounding me and spread out like stars above me.

Can’t it be both?!?  Can’t my vibration hum at a joyous rocket-fueled speed?  Can’t it draw to me amazement and beauty and pleasure?  While at the same time, can’t I say it, that I appreciate it, that I am indeed lucky, that the luck can emerge from this inner humming as it mingles with the outer world?  Can’t it be so, that I appreciate all that I have and all that I am, that my luck does not diminish your luck, that we all can say it, whether the day is sunny and the trail ridge-groomed to perfection or whether a squall is blowing in, stirring up something new, something exciting, something expansive?  We are the lucky ones!!!  We are the lucky ones!!!

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Noquemonon Cross-country Ski Trail: Forestville, Marquette, Michigan, February/March 2018

 

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Early morning on Idler’s Rest: Moscow, Idaho: March 3, 2018

Stiffwing

When you love what you have, you have everything you need.  Unknown

Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to explain it.  Rabindranath Tagore

What you are seeking is seeking you.  Rumi

It began with a flock of pine grosbeaks in the bitter cold days of late December, this love story that I’m about to share with you.  As the arctic air blasted its way into Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, our backyard became a haven for three bunnies, a vole, a doe and her teenage fawns, a family of fat gray squirrels, the chittery-chattery red squirrel cousins, and our winged friends, the woodpeckers, chickadees and nuthatches, along with the passer-throughs, like the grosbeaks.  It was my five-and-a-half year old grandson, Viren and I who first noticed her, a female grosbeak, perched there in the snow beside the feeder, all puffed up and still, on a gray blustery below-zero morning.  “I think she might be hurt,” I said to Viren, who was visiting over the holidays from Idaho.  “Let’s go see what we can do!”  So, Viren and I bundled up and trudged through the snow to the feeder where our grosbeak was still crouched, quivering a bit, perhaps from fear, perhaps from the cold.  “I’ll go get some sunflowers seeds and scatter them for her,” I said and made my way back to the garage.  And before I, with my container of seeds, had even rounded the corner to the backyard, Viren cried out, “Grandma, she’s flown away, up to the tree by the deck!”  We scattered the feed and returned to the warmth of home and hearth, relieved that our grosbeak could fly, assuming she had just been stunned by the cold.   And our thoughts turned elsewhere, as we made our own flight, Grandpa and I, and Viren, along with his baby sister and parents, out to the mountains of Idaho to join Viren’s cousins over the weekend before the new year.

It was a note that called us back to the grosbeak in early January when Grandpa and I returned to our home in Upper Michigan.  Our friends, Amber and Raja, who had been housesitting, left it on the table: “I think you have an injured bird,” the note said.  “She’s living under the deck with the bunnies.”  Oh my, they were right,  We watched her over the next few days as she made her way from her new home with the bunnies under the deck to the feeder by the pine.  With right wing held stiff, she hop-flew-hopped through the snow, leaving her unique-patternered prints, always somehow managing to take flight to the feeder.  And, as time passed, she began to fly farther, to the birch, and the maple, and then back again to eat and finally to her under-the-deck home.

Grandpa Cam and I became more vigilant during the frigid days of January, making sure the feeder was stuffed full each morning, with extra seeds scattered underneath for good measure.  And Grandpa gave our backyard grosbeak a name, Stiffwing.  We talked about her to each other in notes left on the table and in phone calls and face to face each evening: “Did you see Stiffwing at the feeder this morning?” “I think she’s pulling her wing a little closer to her body as she eats!”   “She flew so far I didn’t see where she landed!”  She became a favorite topic of conversation for the two of us.  And we began to notice other things as well.   The little black vole seemed to be first at the feeder at dawn each morning, the bunnies usually fed one at a time while the fat gray squirrels with the white-tipped ears pushed everyone else away and gorged as a family, and the chickadees always seemed patient, perching on the deck’s cedar poles, waiting their turn.  One gray day, a red squirrel and a bunny faced each other in a colorful under-the-feeder stand-off, the red squirrel chitter-chattering wildly and the bunny backing up a bit and hopping high into the air.  Because of our concern for a stiff-winged grosbeak, Grandpa Cam and I had slowed down enough to notice and appreciate our backyard menagerie.  And we thank Stiffwing for this.

And we thank Stiffwing for other things too.  From the get-go, she has been our wintertime warrior, her resilience astounding us, how she knew the under-deck-home would be a place of safety to recuperate, how she also knew she had to eat voraciously, several times a day, in order to heal, and how she patiently allowed this healing to take place.  We felt honored to witness this process, honored that it was our backyard that she had chosen.  By the end of the month, our grosbeak friend was pulling her wing tighter  to her body as she fed.  Although still a bit askew, the wing seemed to serve her well, as her flights took her farther away, perhaps to other feeders in the neighborhood or to the marsh behind the house.  And, on that last day of January, our flight took us farther away as well, Grandpa Cam and I, as we once again said good-bye to our backyard menagerie, along with our house and cat and two businesses, leaving it all in the tender and loving hands of our friends Amber and Raja.  During the wee hours of a super moon morning, we let the wings of a Delta airplane carry us southwest for a five-day hiking trip to Sedona, Arizona — and it is easy on such an adventure to let go of the cold and the snow and the ordinary everyday comings and goings of a life in the north woods, easy to become intoxicated with the new, with the red rock mountains and the clear blue sky, to become sun-smitten and loopy and head-over-heels in love with this southwestern place of high vibration vortexes.  And so we surrendered to this beauty and immersed ourselves in the experience, hiking from morning until sundown on trail after trail after trail.

And it was on one of these trails, on a day when the air was as clear as clear could be and the landscape was crisp and vivid and Grandpa Cam and I were trekking the circumference of a mesa, that we spied the caves in the red rock and imagined the people who once had lived in such dwellings and wondered what it would be like to be so in sync with nature.  We breathed in deeply, the smell of juniper and cedar and sunlight, and we felt a happiness in our own bodies’ bones.  And I reached for my modern-day phone, to capture the moment in a photo, to remember it always, when I noticed the text message.  It was from Amber and Raja: “It is sunny today, and Stiffwing is sitting on the balsam in the light, and she is singing.”  Stiffwing was singing!  I felt it in that moment, how it is possible to be in two places at once, or maybe in all places, basking in the red rock glory of Sedona and back in Upper Michigan too where the morning light of winter was shining on a tiny balsam and a bird with a stiff wing, a bird who was singing her heart out, who was reminding us all that it is possible to open our hearts to the wild, to be in sync with nature, to feel the wonder of it all — in the every day comings and goings of our very own back yards.

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Stiffwing: photo by Raja Howe, Winter 2018

Passing the Talking Stick

Wisdom has no beginning nor no end.  Wisdom is a circle that encompasses all that is, all that was, all that is to come. (Words on a poster.)

The circle has healing power.  In the circle, we are all equal.  That Sacred Circle is designed to create unity.  Dave Chief, Oglala Lakota

World forces always act in a circle.  The sky is round and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball, and stars as the wind when it blows forcefully swirls . . . Black Elk

It is to the center of the candlelit circle that we speak, one at a time, the seven of us who gather on Fridays.  We voice our truths of the moment, and we listen to each other, setting aside judgement and defensiveness, as these gems of insight and story, sometimes personal, sometimes theoretical, are hung on a metaphoric clothesline draped in the bowl of the circle for all to examine.  And, as we blow out the candle at hour’s end, I always am left feeling more expansive in my thinking and in my being than I felt before we began.  And when I say “always”, I mean it.  That’s why I remain committed to the process — it always works.  These wisdom circles are a deep breath in my week, a time to explore perspectives different than my own, a time to allow something new to arise within me.  And it’s not because we are exceptional listeners or problem-solvers, though, during the more than two decades that we have been meeting like this, we have honed our skills.  We are friends who also gather socially, who can be boisterous, and chatty, and can blurt while another is speaking.  But, on Fridays, during our Wisdom Circle, we are present in a deeper way, for each other and for ourselves.  We put aside the chatting and we speak, not to each other, but to the circle itself.  And it is the talking stick that keeps us focused, sometimes an actual stick, sometimes a stone or a shell or a feather or another convenient object.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is that the person holding the object is the only one who is speaking.  It is her turn.

This isn’t the only group in which I’ve felt the power of the circle and the talking stick and the speaking of one person at a time.  Over thirty years ago, I read Natalie Goldberg’s groundbreaking bestseller, Writing Down the Bones, in which she describes a process of writing fast, without crossing out, allowing the mind its say, and then proceeds to describe to the reader that the sharing of this writing is as crucial as the writing itself, again speaking into the circle, with fellow writers simply listening without judgement, no cross-talk, no critique.  I have facilitated and written in groups using this technique ever since, again feeling the power of simply allowing us all our words, our stories, our perspectives, our unbridled minds.  I have participated in workshops, talking circles, and, for nearly ten years, have set up a monthly open mic night called Out Loud at Joy Center, an open mic night where all perspectives are welcome and one person at a time shares.  In all these forms, this is a powerful empowering process, this deep sharing and deep listening, a process dear to my heart.

So, it caught my attention when I read the headline on my phone a month ago  It almost didn’t seem like it could be possible, not in our country, not now, not in politics where people seem to be more polarized, more tightly bound in the little box of their “right” and another’s “wrong”, where no one seems to be listening to one another.  But there it was, in article after article after article.  They used a talking stick — during the weekend of the first government shut-down.  It was Senator Susan Collins of Maine’s idea, using the talking stick that had reportedly been a gift of Senator Heidi Heitkamp of North Dakota.  Collins invited her fellow senators, the twenty-five Democrat and Republican members of the Common Sense Coalition to her office for a weekend of bipartisan meetings in hopes of reaching a compromise that would break the stalemate and open the government.  And her rule was that one member at a time would speak, the person with the stick.  Albeit, sometime during the heated sharing, someone threw the stick across the room when a fellow senator interrupted, but laughter erupted — and how often does laughter erupt at such a government meeting?!?   And it worked, the group switched to a softer rubber ball “talking stick” and they proceeded with their sharing and the government did open — and, maybe most importantly, the senators on either side of the aisle listened to one another and something new emerged from the process.  One GOP lawmaker told CNN that it was the most entertaining sessions he had ever attended.

I don’t know what it is like to participate in such a weekend of meetings, government meetings where the stakes are high and the topics polarizing and the participants holding beliefs on opposite ends of the talking stick.  But, I do know what it is like to be married for over forty years.  Fortunately, Cam and I are not usually on opposites ends of the stick when it comes to our beliefs and our perspectives, but their have been times when we have felt as polarized as the Democrats and the Republicans.  And like Susan Collins, we have a process that works.  Usually our talking stick is metaphoric.  We speak, one at a time, while the other simply listens, passing our invisible stick back and forth.  We do this most Friday evenings, often as we walk on the bike path by Lake Superior, and generally it is simply a catch-up, a way to connect.  But sometimes the topic is heated, and I admit, it can be harder to keep my mouth shut when I’m taking it personally.  But that’s the miracle.  We do keep our mouths shut.  We do listen.  And like the members of the Common Sense Coalition, we break the stalemate and arrive in a new more expansive place.

Isn’t that what we really want, to speak our truth, and to be listened to, and also to listen deeply to another’s, to feel it inside, the heart connection, the common humanity, that another’s story and perspective also matters, that when we hang it all in the middle of the circle on that metaphoric clothesline something new, something expansive, something we hadn’t considered before has room to grow and to rise up and to take root into our consciousness?!?  Isn’t that what we are hungry for underneath it all?

 

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Women’s March, Washington DC:  January 21, 2017

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Women’s March, Marquette, Michigan: January 21, 2018

Expansion

You were born with wings.  You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.  You have wings.  Learn to use them and fly.  Rumi

Aging is not lost youth, but a new stage of opportunity and strength.  Betty Frieden

Open windows in your consciousness.

The red rock sings in Sedona, an ancient flute-filled song of invitation.  At dawn, the sun casts shadows against its pillars and cliffs and dome-like faces, and, at dusk, the rock is ablaze with color.  And the air is pure and clear and the sky seems to go on forever and ever.  It is easy to get pulled in, to follow this song deeper and deeper into the wilds, onto canyon trails lined with juniper and cedar and prickly pear, up red rock paths to mesas and mountain tops, over the next ridge to another vista and another, to get pulled in to a rhythm that is both as old as the rock itself and as fresh and new as this teeming-with-expansive-possibility present moment.  It is said that Sedona sits on land alive with high vibration vortexes of energy.  It is said that Sedona is a place where it is easy for a person to soak in this energy, easy to find alignment not only with the land and the sky and the hawk flying high, but also to find a high-flying inner alignment, a connection with the whirling swirling energy available to us all.

And even in Sedona, surrounded by all this red rock magic, that is the challenge, to not get swept away by this intoxicating high vibration smorgasbord of possibility — because the possibilities are endless and they are enticing and the golden retriever in you might be tempted to flit from thing to thing while losing a sense of what really feels good on the inside.  That was the lesson for me.  Sometimes it is easy to check in, to know that one choice feels better than another, that one carries a higher vibration.  But what about a place filled with choices that all seem exciting and alive to you, that all seem to match the energy of your own inner whirling swirling vortex ?  It was like that from the beginning of our five-day stay at Sedona last week; I could feel the metaphoric golden retriever inside me going wild.  She wanted to do it all, to sniff out every corner boutique and gallery filled with southwestern art, to bound along every single one of the more than one hundred trail options within a short drive, to race along side the runners at the Sedona 5k/marathon that just happened to be held during that same weekend, to leap into the rental car and drive the mere two-and-a-half hours to the Grand Canyon because everyone should see the Grand Canyon at least once in their life.  My metaphoric golden retriever’s tail already was thrashing about when she learned that Carolyn Myss, medical intuitive, author and world-renowned teacher was holding a workshop at the resort sitting just below a favorite canyon hiking trail.  What does a gal do when she’s on vacation with her husband and the choices are boundless and her metaphoric golden retriever has given up on any semblance of control?!?

She sits still, that’s what she does.  That’s what I did.  I sat still and I listened, just for a little while, a minute or two; that’s all that it took to settle down into a place deeper than the inner juniper bushes where my golden retriever was sniffing, to a place of clarity and knowing.  Never mind the Grand Canyon and the running race and the boutiques and the workshop — all good choices, for sure, but what I  really wanted to do was hike, to hike my heart out, to soak in the sun and the warmth and the beauty of rock formations dancing with color.  After two months of bitter cold in the snowy north of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, I wanted to move my body freely with no fear of slipping on ice, to breathe in deeply the scent of juniper and cedar, to hear the sound of my own heart beating, to sweat and pant and explore as many trails as possible on our five-day adventure.  I wanted to feel the energy firsthand as my guy and I walked across the red rocks together.  So, we hiked, on canyon trails, up mountain paths, around the rims of mesas.  From morning until sundown, just stopping briefly for lunch and snack breaks, we explored this magical landscape on our own two feet with our eyes wide open.

And, as we hiked, with feet firmly grounded on that red rock base and eyes open to the world around us, the gifts were many.  There was the hummingbird flitting among the bushes that lined the canyon trail and the hawk flying high above as we climbed to a mesa.  There were the javelina pig-like creatures, a whole clan of them, that crossed the trail so close to us and took off into the thicket.  There were the ancient cliff dwellings that once housed a people who lived among these mountains and canyons, and then  there were the people alive now, the ones we met along the trails — the middle-aged man perched like a god atop a red rock pillar with flute to his lips, playing a song for the sky and the wind and the rock and for each of us, too, and the couple in their thirties, parents of four, collecting heart-shaped stones and replenishing their relationship and creating you-tube videos that delight us all, and there was Michael, a guy our age, in his early sixties, who lived a motorhome existence and had a peace about him that was palpable and contagious.  And almost everyone we met wanted to bottle it up and carry it home with them, what Michael had found in his simple yet abundant life, the feeling of expansiveness, of freedom and happiness that danced among us on those trails.  And this is what I want to tell you, that I sense that it is ours for the taking, that we don’t need to scoop it into a jar and close the lid tightly for fear of losing our meager take-home portion of this Sedona expansiveness, that it is not Sedona’s alone, that it can be found anywhere, this feeling of freedom and happiness, that it is an inside job, and starts with our breath and our own heartbeat and the recognition that we are a landscape as magnificent as any we find on a five-day adventure.

Although I didn’t make it to the Grand Canyon on this particular trip, we hiked in canyons that made my heart sing.  And on a car ride to one of those canyons, we rolled down the windows and shouted our cheers to the marathon runners, and we became a part of their race after all.  And in the canyon, the one above the resort where Carolyn Myss facilitated the workshop, we met attendees, blissed-out and beaming after their afternoon sessions and we beamed along with them.  When we go inward and listen to what is calling us, we are led into the vortex of abundance where all is possible.

 

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Cam and Helen in Sedona, Arizona: February 2018

 

As Above, So Below

The veil between us and the Divine is more permeable than we imagine.  Sue Thoele

A child sees everything, looks straight at it, examines it, without any preconceived idea; most people, after they are about eleven or twelve, quite lose this power, they see everything through a few preconceived ideas which hang like a veil between them and the outer world.  Olive Schreiner

“I chat with you, Grandma!”  And, indeed, she does.  And that’s what we were doing a few days before the new year, my toddler granddaughter, Addie, and I, chatting as Grandpa Cam drove the rental car on the long stretch north to Sandpoint, Idaho where we’d meet her parents and baby brother for a weekend ski adventure.  And, in this moment, it was photos on my phone that captivated her attention: “I want to see cousin Viren,” she said.  “I want to see Mommy,” she added.  And on and on, she made her requests, down a long list of relatives and friends, satisfied as I reached behind me, time and again, holding my phone up for her to peek at their faces.  And then she said it.  “I want to see Dead Grandpa!”  What?  Dead Grandpa?  I thought I had heard her wrong.  But then she repeated it, in a matter-of-fact everyday toddler voice: “I want to see Dead Grandpa!”  “Do you mean Grandpa Ernie?” I was stammering as I asked.  And her reply was an enthusiastic “Yah!”  Honestly, I don’t remember ever showing her a photo of my father, her great grandfather, and I certainly don’t remember calling my dad “Dead Grandpa.”  But there it was, the request, and I complied.

I had recently taken a photo of a photo with my phone of my dad leaning against a car on the family property in Maine, wearing a white tee and khakis and what look like fashionable boots, camera case slung over his shoulder, the year, 1952.  And this is the photo that I pulled up for Addie, held to her face for examination.  She was quiet for a moment, and then she responded.  “He’s cute!”  Present tense, she said it, “He’s cute!” as though he was accompanying us on this car ride north.  And all weekend long, she mentioned him, mingled the Dead Grandpa talk with ski hill chatter.  It was ordinary for her and extraordinary for me.  And this isn’t the first time I’ve felt it, this extraordinary/ordinary way of encountering my father.

Three years ago, when her cousin Viren, was almost exactly Addie’s age, he and I were looking out the window of his Idaho home, playing a game of “I see.”  “I see a tree covered with snow,” I would say.  “I see a toy truck,” he would counter.  Back and forth, we named the material objects that were illuminated by the sun shining down into his snow-covered yard.  And then he squinted, stuttered a bit, the way Addie does now when she is grasping for words and doesn’t want to lose her turn.  “I see an angel,” he said.  “An angel?” I asked, wondering whether he was going to describe the small stone statue with its wings sprouting from the back of its long angel-like robe that he had admired the summer before during a visit to our Michigan home.  But that’s not what happened.  There were no wings, no long white robe in Viren’s account.  “He has dark curly hair and glasses,” he said, continuing to squint, “and he looks a lot like Daddy.”  He then proceeded to describe the plaid shirt and brown pants that this angel was wearing.  I tried to sound as casual as he was sounding as I replied, “I think it’s your Great Grandpa Ernie, Viren.”  And then the game continued.  “I see a pine cone in the snow.”  “I see a black bird flying.” Grandpa Ernie, it seems, had been as clear to Viren as the hedge that lined the back of his yard.

I am thinking about the veil between the worlds, wondering what would happen if we opened our eyes, not only to nature, to the rainbow specks of snow flickering through the sunshine air at the Idaho ski hill as Grandpa Cam and I played with Addie two weeks ago, but also to the angels.  In the wee hours of this past winter solstice, my friend Mike made his transition.  I woke up that solstice morning at one-forty and texted his wife, my soul-sister Mary, who I knew was at his bedside in the hospital.  “I’m sending love,” I said.  She immediately replied that Mike was peaceful and she sounded peaceful as well.  A few minutes later, he did it; he died.  Did an angel nudge me awake?  Did I sense Mike’s spirit in those moments?   I told Viren, who was visiting over the holidays, about Mike’s passing and we lit a solstice candle for him, and found a heart-shaped rock to give to Mary.  Viren tucked the rock down his shirt, placing it close to his heart before handing it back to me.  I don’t know whether he sees angels anymore, but I do know that Viren knew exactly what that rock needed in order to be a perfect gift for my friend.

The last time I saw Mike was in late September on a gloriously warm evening at one of my favorite restaurants in coastal Maine.  Mary and Mike had spent the previous week in my birth town of Bath, staying with our friend Muriel, who Mary had met years earlier when she traveled east for my mother’s memorial service.  She had wanted to share with Mike the rugged beauty of the coast and its people, and Mike was smitten, and found Muriel to be a kindred spirit as they both reflected on life stories.  And, on the last day of their vacation, I just happened to be arriving in Maine for my September stay.  And so there we were, Mary and Mike, my cousin, and Muriel, sitting around a table, sea-soaked and happy, celebrating beginnings of trips and endings, and very present in the moment.  In the midst of buoyant conversation and delicious food, Mike, who was sitting next to me, took off a pendant he had been wearing and held it up for me to see.  It was an agate, shaped and smoothed and naturally etched by the elements, with what looked like a beak of a hawk on one side and the tail of a fish on the other.  As above, so below; that’s what struck Mike.  He said those words, encouraged me to research it, this mantra that is a part of so many cultures.  As above, so below.

Cousins Addie and Viren are settled now into January routines in their home town of Moscow, Idaho, and I am back in the Upper Peninsula again settled into my own.  And I thought about Mike the other day as I skate-skied on one of my favorite trails, how he loved the woods and the snow and his own style of skiing.  And a few minutes later, I looked up, and, there it was, an eagle circling above the trees.  As above, so below.  Can it be as matter-of-fact to us as it is to the little ones?  My father has a new name.  Dead Grandpa.  I’m sure he’s taking it on with the same good-natured humor that he embodied when he whistle-walked upon the earth when I was a little girl.  And Mike, I have no doubt is present too, that indeed there is no veil between the worlds when we have the eyes to see.

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Addie at the ski hill: Schweitzer, Idaho, December 2017; Viren at Grandpa and Grandma’s home in Michigan: Christmas Day, 2017; Grandpa Ernie on family property: Phippsburg, Maine, 1952; Mike Davis with his big catch on Huron River: Spring, 2017

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